Preparing for the Future

(This column was originally printed Jan 2012, in the Herald-Citizen, minus the images).

When the calendar rolled over to 2013 last week, I found myself hit with a sudden realization. I remember wandering into where my husband was on his computer and saying something like, "Holy cow, we're going to have a baby in about three months."

He looked at me like I was crazy. "Uh, ... yeah?" he replied. I guess he was wondering why I was saying this like it was a surprise. We've known a little one was on the way since last July. I'd been deathly ill with 24/7 morning sickness for the first three months. And then there's the hard-to-miss evidence of my greatly expanding waistline.

It's just that up until now, the due date seemed very far away -- something that I didn't have to worry about for a very long time. And now, here we are suddenly three months out.

The baby's room isn't painted yet. Anything baby-related has just sort of been dropped into a box and shoved into the corner. The crib isn't assembled. We haven't collected even a fraction of all the supplies we're going to need to take care of a newborn. We haven't even decided on a middle name for our son yet. Now that 2013's here, I'm feeling very unprepared for this huge change that's just over the horizon.

[My cat, napping under the pieces of the crib.]
[He's not ready either.]

Like most first-time moms, I'm also feeling very unprepared for the process of actually getting a baby into the world. I've had some moms tell me it's not that bad -- "After you're given drugs, you're fine," they say -- and then I've had some tell me it was the most painful, horrific thing ever. I've also had family offering to video the whole thing for me so I can watch it later. I don't even want to be there while it's happening, let alone watch it again.

I have a definite anxiety around most medical facilities. I get a little stressed just going to the dentist's office for a routine cleaning. Last year I had to have sinus surgery, which required me to have an IV in my arm. After it was in, I threw a blanket over it so I couldn't see the needle in my arm and spent the rest of that morning pretending that my arm no longer existed.

I nearly had an anxiety attack in my private room and then again in the operating room while waiting for them to knock me out. I was so grateful to see the man with the drugs finally come in that I would have hugged him ... if I hadn't still been pretending my IV'ed arm didn't exist. Unfortunately, they can't knock you out when you're giving birth.

I've been trying to read books so I'm somewhat prepared, since I figured most of my anxiety about the whole thing is coming from my only experience with births being the dramatic and scream-filled depictions in movies and TV. But I'm finding I can only read so much about needles and C-sections and medical devices shoved in awkward places before I feel my heartbeat speed up, my breathing quicken and I have to shut the book and go do something else for a while.

I have to push it all out of my mind and tell myself to just focus on getting through the aches and pains of today. Don't think about what's going to happen later. Just get through today. After all, by April there could be some miraculous medical breakthrough where doctors will be able to just magically transport a baby from the womb to your arms.

It could happen.

Maybe.

Otherwise I'm going to have to go to Plan B: throwing a blanket over the lower half of my body and pretending it doesn't exist.